I do things the hard way so I can appreciate doing it the easy way next time.
I have no idea why I beat myself up so much, I try my best, and I guess I feel that’s just not enough for me, I always feel like I can do better. Like my relationship with my girlfriend, I try to be the best boyfriend I can be, I give as much as I can, do as much as I can and I’m told to stop doing so much, It confuses the hell out of me and I feel lost. I feel like I’m failing, but what I’m really doing is smothering I guess, I feel guilty for the things I ask for even though I shouldn’t, …still doesn’t stop that guilt trip though, I guess I’m just to much of a nice guy. Some women want a nice guy, some a badass, some want a mixture… I don’t know who I am anymore.
Anyone’s personal space is their own personal right, and anyone’s personal space is their own business, regardless of how I feel.
My mistrust in others comes from my parents relationship with each other, they don’t trust each other and I grew up with that, it became second nature to me, so my trust is others is often questionable. But my girlfriend is the only exception I make when it comes to my trust, I put a lot of trust in her, so much that I question my own sanity.
But to my dismay, my jealous is pushing her away from me and possibly into the arms of another. My controlling nature comes from me trying to hold together what my parents don’t have, a loving relationship. The more I try to hold the pieces together, the more they fall apart, I can’t keep holding them or I’ll ruin them.
I’m learning lessons the hard way instead of the easy way, and every slap hurts more than the last, I’m letting go of the pieces so they can fall into place by themselves from now on, I’m done trying to legos and megablocks together. Let fate decide our future, not me.